Such Innocent Words

[runespoor]

Wee. I can't believe it. Two fics in one month is like, a big number to me. I cross-posted it on pervy_werewolf. Proud that my nerve didn't fail me. I'm extremely nervous about it, because it's one of my first fics with vague sex in it. I'm a gen writer, mostly. *cannot write anything else to save her life, except in drabbles*

Anyway, you can't know how happy I am to manage to finish something for once. this actually encouraged me to go back to the Petunia ficlet I've been twisting around for some time, which is on a completely different note. Right, stopping rambling here. Let there be the fic.

Title: Such Innocent Words
Author: Runespoor (runespoor7)
Rating: R
Pairings: Remus/Lily, mentions of Remus/Sirius, Lily/James
A/N: AU with Lily and Sirius in Slytherin. Originally an expansion of a drabble for hp100, I'd never would have finished this fic without the "Dirty Talk" challenge on pervy_werewolf, which gave me just the push I needed.
With many, many thanks to violet_quill who gave this fic a much needed, detailed, lightning-fast beta. I'm in her debt.

Blaming things on Slytherins is the common way of getting out of trouble whenever Gryffindors are concerned; Slytherins are useful because they tend to play dirty, and seldom by the rules. Who can say whether you lost the Quidditch Cup because you didn't train enough, or because Slytherins cheated? Who can say if your Sleeping Potion exploded because you were just being clumsy or if the Slytherins were feeling predatory that day?

In short, Slytherins, though generally considered the Gryffindor bane of existence, can also be regarded as the ultimate blessing.

Remus Lupin was of the latter opinion, though it had little to do with Slytherins serving as an excuse. Sometimes he thinks about what would have happened if the Sorting Hat had cried Gryffindor, on that very first day.

The name was Black, Sirius.

The boy hadn't made such an impression on him at first, but at the Gryffindor table he had joined in his turn, "Black, Sirius" had been amply discussed.

There were three Black girls already in Slytherin, and they were a dangerous sort - especially the two dark-haired ones, the older being quicker to use her wand than most Beaters their bats, and the younger, her rather sharp tongue as a new, improved kind of Cruciatus. As for the blond one, she couldn't be underestimated - a real snob, but she knew how to get people to fight her battles for her. "The younger one – Andromeda – is the one laughing with your Black," they told Remus.

Funny how things happened… On that first day, a talkative prefect referred to Black, Sirius as "Remus' Black".

The general rule was to stay away from Blacks.

On his own, Remus would never have been able to follow the other, unspoken rule of Gryffindor: having a Slytherin archenemy. He'd have followed the older years' advice and would have been careful not to upset a Slytherin, and particularly not a Black.

But his 'very-bestest-friends-in-all-the-world' were James Potter and Peter Pettigrew, and both of them had very clear views whenever Slytherins were concerned, or, to be fair, James had them and Peter shared them. James, who was careless and cocky and so easily disconcerted by everything that wasn't just in his circle of thought, and Peter, who knew how to play innocent and stupid and who was the only one whose Silencing Spells held against James' snores. Remus liked them because they were bouncy and cheery and decidedly more childish than Remus felt he had ever been.

James, in fact, seemed to have declared that Slytherins Shouldn't Be Left in Peace. Remus often wondered if the Sorting Hat had bestowed such a crusade upon him as he was entrusted the Honour of Gryffindor at the Sorting or something. (Peter once gave voice to his thoughts, though in a considerably less wordy manner. It had involved a bed in the hospital wing, a couple of Grindylows, a hair removal potion, and three "bloody hell"s in Peter's complaining voice. Remus had been grateful, since his comment would have been rather more colourful. As it were, he had pondered over James' parentage and sexual habits in the privacy of his mind. But then again, it was just like James, to thoughtlessly attack Slytherins and later claim to be sorry because it got his friends in unnecessary trouble.)

So of course, James wasn't content not messing with Slytherins, and he often ended up getting Remus in Slytherin trouble as well. But as Remus was the incarnation of the good, quiet student, and Peter was a born diplomat, they were usually overlooked. Even Black Sirius, who really should have known better, being in their year, didn't waste his time against them and went straight to picture-perfect Gryffindor, James Potter.

Everything changed sometimes in third year.

Remus was happy to have avoided the Black sisters' wrath, and until third year, he was happy to think he had also avoided their cousin's. And then Black, Sirius' younger brother started Hogwarts.

Following the fine Gryffindor tradition, blame would be laid at the bastard's door. In all truth, Remus admitted it was probably all James' fault.

Against Remus' pleas, James had taken to persecuting first-year Slytherin Regulus Black, and one day, he left the younger boy crying for his mother.

Sirius directly retaliated by confronting Remus. (Years later, Remus learned that he was commonly thought, amongst Slytherins, to be the true leader of the Gryffindor Trio, the brain behind the pranks. This description was oddly accurate.)

The following day, he was caught off guard, alone, in a corridor. Eyes narrowed to a slit, Black, Sirius demanded that Remus leave his brother alone. Literally poking his ribs with his wand. Towering over him. Breath short and hot. Pangs of black hair in his eyes. Remus would have loved to have the nerve to push them back. Just to spite Black.

But he didn't fancy his hand bitten off – Black was practically frothing at the mouth – and anyway, he thought of that later (Remus was nothing if not a planner).

Remus had always wondered why he had been sorted as a Gryffindor. While he didn't feel anything like a Slytherin, surely Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff would have been more appropriate for reserved, studious, knowledgeable Remus Lupin.

Well.

Regulus Black didn't come back after Christmas holidays; rumours had it he had been transferred to Durmstrang.

After that, the antagonising between Remus and Black, Sirius only escalated.

***

It is through their perpetual conflict that Remus has his first less-than-hostile contact with a Slytherin. Lily Evans is a pretty, clever Muggle-born with a quick temper and more scruples than the average Slytherin. She approaches Remus one day in the library, and bluntly informs him that she's more than willing to spend time with Black's archenemy, her own relationship with Black reaching heights of mutual annoyances.

Of course Remus wouldn't know about it, for Slytherin is the most close-knit of Houses, and she's nothing if not a Slytherin.

At first Remus had difficulties believing it. He has spent too much time in Gryffindor not to have House prejudices cloud his judgment to some extent. She's nice, and she's just as proud as she reproaches Black to be, and her hair is just the right length.

They bond with a discussion of the compared faults of James and Black Sirius. Remus knows they're not practically carbon-copies, as Evans claims them to be. Where James is careless, Sirius is rash. Where James is cocky, Sirius is arrogant. Where James does his best to attract attention, Sirius seems to naturally possess his own spotlight.

He doesn't voices his thoughts, of course; he only does so later, after Lily herself has judged James to be less passive, fairer, and disturbingly attaching for all his struggling with his crazy hair.

***

Remus doesn't know exactly how his friendship with James and Peter started to… perhaps not die out, because the three of them act as friendly as ever, but at least to fade.

It may start when he's named a prefect; or maybe it does as soon as the Regulus Affair. Maybe James realises how cruel they were; maybe he even understands how Remus manipulated him into it. Maybe he starts to foreshadow the truth about Remus' condition. Maybe James is jealous of the attention Black, Sirius pays to Remus, now, instead of him.

Or it may just have to do with Remus being on speaking terms with a Slytherin.

***

Remus' memory of their first kiss is of her hair between his fingers, the dust where she touched him, the slightly salty taste of her mouth, the black when he closed his eyes.

They're a bit awkward and their noses do knock at one time, but her hands are on the sides of his face and he's grabbing them for the sake of dear life, and he never wants to let go again. He doesn't compare her with what he thought she'd be, how different or similar she is, because he truly didn't expect it, though he realises it's only the logical end of their story.

They could make a beautiful romance novel and they are aware of it, up to the secret surrounding their forbidden liaison.

For a time they don't talk about it and they just play the parts, until finally they admit it's not what they want. They look fine, both of them, with their pathetically romantic ideal of passion and love, but they don't have the energy to laugh about it, not when they're standing right in the middle of it. They agree something must be done, but doing it is unthinkable.

***

It sounds like a good idea at first - A way for them to live their own fantasies with someone equally involved. They also agree it's a good thing she likes it backwards.

***

"OhmygodJamesfuckmehardpleaseharderfuck…"

He thrusts into her, not listening to but still hearing her moans, and he doesn't want to. It hurts him, though he babbles in italics all the same (Sirius, so tight, yes…), and he thrusts harder to make her shut up. They don't think of Silencing Charms to mutually block out their words, or perhaps it's another weapon in their game. He wants to hurt her when she calls out for James when it should be for him, to make her cry his own name, may it be with pain or pleasure.

Their situation is dysfunctional at best, especially today.

Evans is decent at Potions but she's brilliant at Charms, which is why they don't use Polyjuce, but instead try to Illusion themselves into believing he's James and she's Sirius. But today the spells have failed, as they do most of the time, and he finds himself fucking Lily Evans, all milky skin and red hair and feminine forms. He closes his eyes as he tangles his hands in her locks, and he can imagine those are his Black's locks instead, just as silky, just as long.

Remus remembers his mother once taught him that everything is a question of perspective. His child self, more of a bookworm than ever since, frowned and asked "Everything? Even words?" Especially words.

He never realised how right she was before feeling that the names they cry sound more wrong than their entire naughty context.

Yet he's adapting to the demands of Lily's body, and she's reacting to every of his ministrations. It's messy and angry and would have no place whatsoever in their romance novel, and a dark joy fills Remus with each sound that escapes Evans' lips, one hand on her hip and the other furiously moving between her legs, rimming on her clit until she gasps.

Her shoulders violently shudder, and Remus can't help but bite the soft flesh as hard as he can, an ever so slight taste of blood in his mouth. She inhales sharply, her back arches against him, her muscles contract, and he spends himself inside her with Black's name on his lips.

Usually, after the sex, she gets up, pulls her robes back on, rinses her mouth and brushes her hair, then leaves. She never seems to leave quickly enough, and he can never move when she's still there. She doesn't acknowledge his presence, doesn't look at him, and he's grateful for it.

Not today.

He's the first to sit up, while she's a bit slower, cringing when she pushes on her right arm to straighten. Their eyes meet. Her hand, which was already reaching for her bra, falls back on her side. He firmly forces his legs to support him as he stands up and he catches a glance of his reflection in the mirror. They don't look well.

It would be all too easy to dismiss it as a consequence of exam revisions. Admitting their relationship has been eating them away is convenient for the trashy romance story. Evans' shirt is tainted with the blood from his bite, he notices, before realising that their first-name status didn't survive their agreement.

"We can't go on like that, can we?"

Her voice cracks a bit, more emotion than he's seen her display since they started their game of masks. He's surprised at first. Then again, given their position, being upset is understandable. Even Slytherins must have a heart.

He stares, hit by the force of the realisation.

Then, decisively, he nods.

"We've got to do something."

***

Going back to where they started. That's Remus' plan. Evans – Lily – looked a bit greenish when he envisaged it, but she finally acquiesced. Today, they declare their love. Loves. Well. Neither Remus nor Lily is quite sure of what terms to use, so in the end they drop the issue, and each goes back to their dormitories to be prepared.

Remus is determined when he wakes up.

Today, he tells his Black he loves him. Nothing can make him waver. Outside of his drawn curtains, James is calling Peter a pouf for being more interested in Quidditch than in Chaser Melissa Valley's breasts.

For a brief moment, Remus closes his eyes, before valiantly leaving his bed.

At breakfast, Remus pointedly ignores James' enthusiastic kissing of his six-month girlfriend, and concentrates on the problem at hand. He steals a glance at Lily, at the Slytherin table, looking lost in an inner debate.

At the end of his first class, Remus is satisfied with his planning. Potions class, which Gryffindors share with Slytherins, only takes place at the end of the day; moreover, Black has a detention to arrange with the irascible Potion teacher. Remus will just have to wait for him to leave the classroom, and then to take him aside. Bla- Si- He'll be alone; it'll be easy.

The waiting until the last hour is sheer torture. It's as if a Time-Turner is being used to prevent hours passing. Remus is unable to focus on anything except his plan, and Sirius. He refuses to think of everything that could go wrong; he just wants the classes to end already.

In Potions, Remus ruins his assignment by not paying attention. He'd be grateful for not having a partner, so no-one will reproach him their abysmal marks, except he can't think of anything but Sirius, his black hair shining with otherworldly grace in the smoky atmosphere of the Potion classroom, his casual moves around the fragile glasswork, his smiles, charming to the teacher, mischievous to his friends. His occasional glares shoot like electricity through Remus, making him long for Black, for everything he sees and everything he doesn't.

Then the class ends.

At last students leave the classroom. Remus tries to catch Lily's eye, but she's gazing at James with intensity, all thoughts of the outside world forgotten.

Black stands up, goes to the teacher's desk, speaks to her in ushered tones, sometimes interrupting her with fake desperate exclamations.

Nerves shrieking with anxiety, Remus follows him out of the classroom, calls him.

"Black!"

He doesn't stop.

"Black, wait! Wait, I've got to talk to you!"

Black seems to hesitate, then turns around, face set in a mulish expression.

Once more, Remus is surprised by the animosity: Black may be fiery, but Remus himself is surely too mild, too pleasant, to deserve this reaction… Black's eyes are paler than what Remus remembered, seeing them mostly narrowed with anger, the lashes are as long as a girl's. His mouth is almost pursed with distaste, and Remus thinks he can see the shoulder muscles tensing under the robes, trying to refrain from punching him or hexing him.

Why he has even decided to waste enough time to listen to him, Remus cannot begin to fathom. Perhaps he thought granting Remus what he asked would demand less struggling than denying him.

Remus opens his mouth, and finds he can't pronounce a word.

Paralysed in front of Black, he can only watch him put a rein to his temper. Black looks at him with a disinterested, tired look, miles away from the hot glare Remus was previously granted; he shrugs, and he walks away.

Remus watches him leave. He can't make a move to stop him, to bring him back, to make him bend and kiss him.

***

Lily's not what he wants, but she's better than nothing, fellow Slytherin sixth-year of Black.

They meet again in the prefect bathroom at midnight, like they decided yesterday. With one glimpse, he knows she hasn't spoken either.

And so he goes back to Lily's arms, locks his hands in her hair, and kisses her with his eyes closed.

Comments

[feverishbm.livejournal.com]

Ouch. I love the way that Remus still wants Sirius and Lily still wants James, even though they are different people. The Illusion Charms being impotent - painful. Not only to believe that the person you're with wants someone else, but to hear it from his/her own mouth. Ouch.

Very nice.

[runespoor7.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I don't have the time right now, but I'll return the favour as soon as I can. I'm glad you liked it.